Long before a vial of Angelina's blood ushered him onto the A-list of tabloid oddballdom, Billy Bob Thornton accomplished an exceptional Hollywood feat: He foiled genetics. The 51-year-old Arkansas native is one of those rarities born with a bit player's face, who, owing to an ineffable something, is too magnetic to be relegated to the background; think Bogart reared on grits. Since writing, directing, and starring in 1996's Sling Blade, he's become the actor directors call to inject their heroes with a little self-doubt (A Simple Plan), a lot of dissolution (Bad Santa), or an unfathomable psychic pain (Monster's Ball). This month, in School for Scoundrels, Thornton uses his powers as a life coach to battle his student, Jon Heder, over a girl. Thornton, who has been divorced five times—yes, he's covered up that tattoo—has won and lost plenty of women, but now professes to be living less turbulently with girlfriend Connie Angland and their two-year-old daughter, Bella.
ELLE: What's the most emasculating thing a woman has ever done to you?
BILLY BOB THORNTON: There was this girl in sixth grade who supposedly liked me. You know when you're swinging on a swing, and somebody can get behind you and grab your ankles, and you hit face-first on the ground there? She did that.
ELLE: Brutal. Do you think this has had repercussions on your romantic life as an adult?
BBT: Yeah, that sort of started it all for me. It was like, From now on, they'll do this to you, and you still just love the sh*t out of 'em.
ELLE: What does the physical sensation of love feel like to you?
BBT: Like when you look over the edge of a really tall building and your knees are weak and you have a hollow feeling in your stomach, and you want to jump but you know it's going to kill you.
ELLE: Is there any man you've been around who puts your own power with women to shame?
BBT: My buddy Jim Varney, God rest his soul, who played Ernest. He'd say things that would get most of us slapped, but women thought he was so adorable and funny, they didn't care.
ELLE: Your phobias have been much discussed, particularly the ones about antique furniture and, uh, Benjamin Disraeli's hair...
BBT: ...yeah, I got a thing about that.
ELLE: Many of them seem to be rooted in fear of uncleanness. Do you have any similar fears about women's hygiene?
BBT: Everyone does. You certainly don't want anything dirty.
ELLE: True enough. What thing could you find in a woman's home that would convince you that you weren't compatible?
BBT: A copy of Star Wars.
ELLE: What does that really say about somebody?
BBT: That they contribute to the ruination of motion pictures by supporting things that rely on toys and gimmicks. You know, it's like finding a drawer full of vibrators.
ELLE: What's the one thing you should never say to a woman?
BBT: One thing I'd never say anymore is "I'll do anything for you."
ELLE: Romantically, do you identify with any characters from literature or film?
BBT: Montgomery Clift. Obviously, not in his personal life, because he was gay, but in the movies he always seemed to be quietly desperate, a very passionate person who just didn't quite know how to handle life.
ELLE: Any stock advice you give friends about women?
BBT: "Don't ask me." I don't have a very good track record in terms of relationship longevity.
ELLE: If we put all five of your ex-wives in a room until they agreed on one statement about you, what would it be?
BBT: That I'm passionate.
ELLE: When you were with Angelina Jolie, she talked very openly about how mind-blowing the sex was with you, as though you were especially gifted. What exactly do you do?
BBT: So far there hasn't been any real definitive answer. I mean, it's a few things that add up.
ELLE: But is it as specific as "this move I do with my tongue?"
BBT: I'll put it this way: There are technical things as well as romantic-type ideas. It's a combination of both. But I think people are just born with natural sorts of talents, compassions, and intuitions.
ELLE: What are you most hesitant to have women learn about you?
BBT: That I'm easily manipulated.
ELLE: If you wrote one song that distilled your whole romantic history, what would you call it?
BBT: "A Night in the Blue Room."
ELLE: Ever have any unlikely crushes?
BBT: Ruth Buzzi.
ELLE: Is there anything that a woman has ever said to you during sex that's totally destroyed the moment?
BBT: Once, a woman told me her favorite kind of relationship was with ultimate fighters.
ELLE: Who's the hottest woman in movies or TV right now?
BBT: Cate Blanchett.
ELLE: If for the night you could inhabit the body of any man, living or dead, to pick up women, who would it be?
BBT: Probably one of those cats in the Revolution, like Benjamin Franklin or Thomas Jefferson.
ELLE: : Ben Franklin had a reputation as an amazing swordsman.
BBT: Exactly. There you go.
ELLE: But so do you. Have you ever tried to compute your numbers? Are you in Wilt Chamberlain territory?
BBT: I'm not up there with Wilt. But I've never tried to do it. It makes it just seem like a sport, and I'm not like that, and these days I try not to be that reflective. Sometimes it's depressing, thinking about those times in your life when bad things happened.
ELLE: Are there any physical peculiarities you can't tolerate in a woman?
BBT: Really long toes, where they look like claws, you know what I mean? It looks like they have hands instead of feet.
ELLE: My God! I never even knew hand-footed women existed.
BBT: Oh, they're out there.
